Why would anyone run for political office? Laurence Simon threw his hat into the ring for the Presidency, and Jack Cluth has decided to mount a last minute write-in campaign for Governor of Texas. This leads me to think about my own political prospects, and reasons that I'd make a horrible political candidate.

• I'm unmarried. In many people's minds, that disqualifies me immediately. How can I represent the interests of families with children, when I have none of my own?



• I'm not a good liar. While I have a master's degree in bullshit, my conscience prevents me from purposely deceiving people.
• I'd run as an independent. I fit neither the Democrat nor Republican mold. That means I'd only gather votes from people too lazy to write in Mickey Mouse, Britney Spears, or Jack Cluth.
• I have way too many skeletons. When I look back on my life and think of all the mischief I've gotten into, I think it is best to keep some of that stuff a secret.
• I'd be easy to smear. I really don't want my 'Drunk Story of the Day' being held up in the political limelight. That is all I need is to be judged by these self-righteous assholes that think politicians should at least hold the illusion of being innocent and pure.
• I'm too nice a guy. While I feel obligated to smear people based on their wacko political beliefs, I cannot bring myself to play politics. Shamelessly dragging my opponent through the mud would be difficult for me. What do I care if J. Edgar Hoover likes to prance around like a nancy boy in dresses? He's not hurting anybody, he did nothing illegal, and he didn't perjure himself before a grand jury (for all you clinton apologists), so what's the big deal?
• I hate public speaking. Seinfeld once said that people fear public speaking more than death. That means that at a funeral, you are better off being in the coffin than giving the eulogy.
• Speaking of speaking, I don't want assholes like Jacob Weisberg getting rich off of trying to make me look stupid. I am perfectly capable of making myself look stupid and don't need help.
• Speaking of Weisberg, I'd abuse my power in a New York minute. Between IRS anal probes and body cavity searches at the airport, nitwits like Weisberg would rue the day they messed with me.
• I speak from the hip too much. I wouldn't last long in Congress telling people how I really feel. I don't think too many politicians have ended their speeches with "...and the horse you rode in on!" I certainly wouldn't have too many friends, and I'd have to be physically restrained from punching Tom Daschle in the nose. Traficant was my hero.
• I enjoy my privacy, and peeking over the walls of my compound might get you some buckshot in the face.
• The last thing I want is to be the center of attention. I'd be a wall flower compared to media whores like Shillary Clinton.

While this is not a comprehensive list, I think it illustrates how I feel about politicians. I am much more suited to hanging out in the shadows, pulling the puppet strings and manipulating the situation. Perhaps Laurence or Jack need a 'consultant'.