Via Scrappleface:

(2003-12-18) -- Wesley Clark, the Democrat presidential candidate, said yesterday that if he were president he would have captured Osama bin Laden by now and jilted First Lady Laura Bush.

"I would have gotten him," said Mr. Clark of Mr. bin Laden. "And I would have divorced Laura. I just don't find the woman attractive."

A spokesman for the Clark campaign said, "The former general's rich fantasy life and spirituality contribute to his geopolitical acumen."

Mr. Clark also noted that if he were Franklin D. Roosevelt, he would have captured Hitler, Hirohito and Mussolini in early 1941.