Back in 1997, a group of friends got together to go see the movie Titanic. I was unable to go because Monk and I got stuck babysitting. When I say "stuck" I really mean "volunteered", and when I say "babysitting" I really mean "telling the kids to go play while we played games on the computer and got drunk." At the time, we both figured why bother. The movie seemed predictable enough: kids fall in love, boat sinks, she lives, he dies, blah blah blah.

A year or two later Monk finally watched Titanic on VHS. He told me to just put in tape two, but I never bothered. For years afterward I would hear people talking about the movie.

"Have you seen Titanic?" they would ask.

"You mean the iceberg movie? Kids fall in love, boat sinks, she lives, he dies. Nope, never seen it."

Many people wouldn't believe me, or would accuse me of lying. Or they would try to explain it to me like I cared.

"Well you see there's this boat, and an iceberg..."

Well, a few months ago I saw the DVD on sale for $10, so I broke down and bought it. I figured 7 years was long enough, so this weekend I finally freed the movie from it's cellophane prison and watched Titanic.

If you haven't seen it, aside from the obvious Iceberg vs. the unsinkable ship, the movie is about a slutty rich girl slumming it with a homeless transient on her way across the Atlantic. Her lack of virtue and morals are justly rewarded when a giant iceberg comes from out of nowhere to smite her and her forbidden lover boy. I found the movie to be quite watchable, but I still found myself actually rooting for the Iceberg. I also wanted the predictable villian, Billy Zane, to punch that smartmouthed brat in the face; just because.

They also made me wait nearly two hours to see a single boob shot of the comely tramp Gwenyth Paltrow Kate Winslet. I understand that they can't show too much and maintain their PG-13 rating, but come on. Kramer vs. Kramer was rated PG and they rewarded the audience with full frontal JoBeth Williams.

Overall, I'm glad I didn't spend $10 to see it in the theater. The movie's not bad so much as it is long, and dull. Okay, so maybe it is bad. Yeah, I know the movie won 11 Oscars, but aside from Best Picture and Director the rest were all nobody awards like Best Digital Iceberg Effects. Neither Caprio, Winslet, nor the Iceberg won any acting awards.