Say Uncle tells his own story about TSA harrassment, which reminds me of my own.

It started in Kansas City, during the Friday afternoon rush hour. It's roughly 5 o'clock, and I and the other air-commuters are just trying to get home for the weekend. I walk up to the security gate, remove all my metal objects, my belt, and my shoes (as instructed) and walk through the detector. Everything is fine so far.

I get my belt and belongings back, but the TSA inspector wants to 'swab' my laptop bag and shoes. They swab on the laptop bag is clean, but they get a hit on the shoes. The guy says something to the effect of 'uh oh', and whips out this huge three ring binder. At this point, I know there's going to be trouble.

The TSA officer flips through the binder until he finds the page that tells him what residue my shoes are supposedly laced with. It's nitro-glycerin, a common heart medication as well as exposive. A supervisor is called to try to determine what needs to be done. As I stand there in my stocking feet, I tell him that it's probably a false positive, and he should test the shoes again.

The supervisor tries to give me an 'out'. "Sir, do you take any heart medication?"

"No."

"Do you live with anyone who takes heart medication?"

"No. I live alone."

"Were you staying with anyone who takes heart medication?"

"No. I was in a hotel."

"Do you know anyone who takes heart medication?"

Sigh. "No."

This went on and on for about 45 minutes. The TSA staff didn't suspect me of being a terrorist, but they didn't just want to let me walk on the plane either. So, they kept giving me excuses for how nitro-glycerin might have gotten onto my shoes. At one point they float the idea of letting me board the plane, without my shoes.

Finally, I plead with him to just test the shoes again. "I'm sure it was just a false positive," I tell the supervisor.

Suddenly, as if it were his idea, he tells the subordinate to test the shoes again. "It's probably just a false positive," he said.

They test my shoes again, and it comes up negative. By now, I'm the last person to board the plane before they close the doors, and my seat was nearly given away to someone waiting standby. Naturally all the overhead space is taken.

Now, I told you that story, to tell you this one. Contrast the TSA incompetence in Kansas City with the TSA incompetence in Washington, D.C.

I live near the Metrorail line, so I fly out of Reagan National Airport. Now, if you've never flown out of Reagan, you might not know that everyone gets extra scrutiny. Even passengers flying into Reagan go through an extra layer of security, and you can't even so much as stand up 30 minutes after takeoff or before landing. So if you take off from Reagan, and some numbnuts stands up 10 minutes into the flight, they claim they will divert the flight to the nearest airport and remove the passenger from the plane.

So, given that tense attitude toward security, I fully expected to get the anal probe before getting to my gate. I'm flying out around noon time, and there isn't much of a rush yet. I'm dressed in khakis with my black DEA polo shirt. By DEA, I mean I bought it from the gift shop at the headquarters of the Drug Enforcement Administration back when I had done some work for them. (I know, who knew they had a gift shop.) The shirt has their Special Agent shield emblazoned on the breast, and DEA in big bold letters underneath. It cost my $30 and is quite a nice shirt. (Although I wouldn't wear it out to the club.. unless I was trying to see how long it would take me to get stabbed.)

So the three people in front of me are going through the metal detector. Each one is individually instructed to remove their shoes and belt. The girl in front of me even cries, "But they're flip-flops."

"I don't care lady, put them through the machine," demands the screener.

So, I step up there and before the guy can even say anything, start to unlace my shoes. What do I get?

"No, you're okay. Go ahead and come on through."

No extra screening, no removing the shoes, no second glance, no nothing. My $30 purchase greased the skids at one of the tightest airports in the country; an airport that remained closed for months after September 11th, due to security concerns.

Doesn't that make you feel safe?

UPDATE: Here is a photo of the shirt:

(click to supersize)