Say Uncle notes that banks are once again asking bank robbers to remove their hats and sunglasses before robbing the bank.

Responding to a more than one-third hike in bank robbery, the Florida Bankers Association is urging its members to adopt new rules.

Not additional guards or cameras, but a dress code for customers.

The group rolled out a "No Hats, No Hoods, No Sunglasses" program, which includes lobby signs asking customers to remove those items before approaching a teller.

Those who refuse would be directed to an area with more security or a more experienced teller.

And those who refuse to drop their shotguns will be directed to the vault. I say once again, because we reported on this back in 2002, at least twice.

Some even theorized that crooks would be dumb enough to comply:

"FBI Special Agent Dave Burlew said it could make some robbers think twice and could give authorities a full view of a robber's face from security images..."

An elderly grandmother in Clearwater Florida ordered her McDonalds fries without salt. Naturally this means cooking a whole new batch of fries and can take some time. Since she was in the drive thru, this meant that the police officer sitting behind her would have to wait too.

Well apparently he didn't like that, because he arrested her for it.

(75-year old Jean) Merola was handcuffed behind her back and put in the cruiser. Another officer arrived and took her to the Pinellas County Jail .

Merola said she was searched, photographed and fingerprinted.

"All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it!" -- Springfield Police Chief Wiggum

So a pair of maggot infested Australian hippies attacked a Japanese research vessel they claim was illegally killing whales.

Australian citizen Benjamin Potts and British citizen Giles Lane, both members of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, jumped on board the Yushin Maru No. 2 Tuesday to deliver a letter saying the vessel was violating international law and Australian law by killing whales.

But apparently the Japanese weren't violating international law. The Australians were. According to the often reliable Wikipedia:

Maritime piracy, according to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea (UNCLOS) of 1982, consists of any criminal acts of violence, detention, or depredation committed for private ends by the crew or the passengers of a private ship or aircraft that is directed on the high seas against another ship, aircraft, or against persons or property on board a ship or aircraft.

To me, forcefully boarding a ship at high seas without the Captain's permission sounds a lot like piracy. And the penalty for piracy is (or used to be) death.

What happens when you give inmates free access to the legal system? You get stupid shit like this:

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran."

Inmates get bored pretty quickly and commonly file lawsuits as a form of entertainment.

I bet it was her time of the month:

A woman who told authorities she was fed up with tailgaters pulled out a gun and shot at the tires of a pickup that got too close, police said. Officials believe the bullet missed the pickup, and no one was hurt."She said she was tired of people tailgating her," Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel said.

Headd, who had a permit to carry a concealed weapon, was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, discharge of a firearm from a vehicle and use of a firearm during a felony.

Via Bitch Girls.

Statistics show that generally speaking you are better off resisting an attack than succumbing to it. Sure, a mugger may just take your wallet and leave. Or he may shoot you in the back of the head to make sure there are no witnesses. You just don't know.

And a group of senior citizens in Costa Rica wasn't about to wait to find out.

A tour bus of U.S. senior citizens defended themselves against a group of alleged muggers, sending two of them fleeing and killing a third in the Atlantic coast city of Limon, police said on Thursday.

One of the tourists _ a retired member of the U.S. military aged about 70 _ put assailant Warner Segura in a head lock and broke his clavicle after the 20-year-old and two other men armed with a knife and gun held up their tour bus Wednesday, said Luis Hernandez, the police chief of Limon, 80 miles east of San Jose.

The two other men fled when the 12 senior citizens started defending themselves. The tourists then drove Segura to the Red Cross where the man was declared dead. The Red Cross also treated one of the tourists for an anxiety attack, Hernandez said.

The tourists left on their Carnival cruise after the incident and Hernandez said authorities do not plan to press any charges against them, saying they acted in self defense.

"They were in their right to defend themselves after being held up," Hernandez said.

Hernandez said Segura had previous charges against him for assaults.

Five bucks says he was a Marine. (And why am I reminded of Gene Hackman's road rage incident?)

Today's Lesson: Never Rob a Hummer Owner.

(Click for Video)

Warren Messner and three other teens were convicted for beating Michael Roberts, a homeless man, to death. Messner was sentenced to 22 years in prison without the possibility of parole for jumping up and down on the mans chest, crushing his ribs. He showed no remorse at his trial, but after a few months in jail Messner's tune has changed.

He didn't feel bad then, but he does now. He has been in juvenile detention for eight months, locked in a small cell and occasionally allowed to go to class.

Messner and his attorney said he has already learned his lesson and is ready to go home to help others.

Reminds me of Raising Arizona:

Ed McDonnough: You mean you busted out of jail.
Evelle: No, ma'am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
Gale: What my brother here means to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.

"I want to be an inspirational speaker for troubled teens," he said Monday.

Messner got the lightest sentence of the four boys. Teens Jeffrey Spurgeon, Justin Stearns and Christopher Scamahorn got 27 to 35 years. They all cut plea deals to avoid life in prison.

The state attorney said that's as much leniency as they should get and the judge agreed.

"I can't think of some reason to change the sentence. I'm going to deny the motion," said the Hon. Joseph Will.

Messner's parents broke down at the denial. His mother said it's unfair, that her son fell in with a bad crowd and prison is killing him.

"He's not getting the mental health, the schooling. He's not getting anything, anything but locked in a cell all day long," Lori Messner said.

Michael Roberts could not be reached for comment.

The judge and the state both argued that being deprived services and being locked away is precisely the point of prison. Warren Messner will spend the next 22 years in prison without the chance for parole.

It reminds me of HBO's America Undercover look at life inside of Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary. Their interview of an inmate went something like this:

INMATE: I believe that if you forgive yourself in the eyes of the Lord, than you should be set free of your bonds. And I've forgiven myself for what I've done, I've made amends, I think that I should be set free.

INTERVIEWER: What are you in for?

INMATE: [with a straight face] Triple murder. But I must have blacked out during that third murder, because they say I stabbed my sister 27 times and I only remember cutting her throat.

Cross posted at Dumb Criminals.

Since when did taking $15 worth of produce from a garbage can become a felony. Two members of the Rainbow Family were given 6 months in jail for stealing food from a dumpster behind a grocery store. They had faced felony charges.

Charle and Siller were charged with felony second-degree burglary and misdemeanor theft. As part of a plea agreement reached with Assistant District Attorney Kerry St. James, the men agreed to plead guilty to misdemeanor trespass in exchange for having the felony they were facing dismissed.

Now I've only ever heard of Steamboat Springs as a ski resort town. It's a little early for skiing, but it could just be that the local bourgeoisie don't want long haired maggot infested hippies digging through the trash.

Then again, there's this:

Don Wirtshafter, an attorney in Ohio who represented many of the Rainbow Family members who were charged with crimes during the gathering in Routt County. . .

As much as I too hate long-haired maggot-infested, no-good commie pinko peaceniks, digging through the trash should never be a felony. If so the jails would be filled with tabloid journalists.

Cross posted at Dumb Criminals.

Maryland apparently has their own brand of protecting and serving.

WBAL-TV 11 News I-Team reporter David Collins said Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook, of Chantilly, Va., got lost leaving an Orioles game on Saturday. Collins reported a city officer arrested them for trespassing on a public street while they were asking for directions .

"In jail for eight hours -- sleeping on a concrete floor next to a toilet," Kelly said.

[...]

Hopelessly lost, relief melted away concerns after they spotted a police vehicle.

"I said, 'Thank goodness, could you please get us to 95?" Kelly said.

"The first thing that she said to us was no -- you just ran that stop sign, pull over," Brook said. "It wasn't a big deal. We'll pay the stop sign violation, but can we have directions?"

"What she said was 'You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out.'" Kelly said.

Collins said the couple spotted another police vehicle and flagged that officer down for directions. But Officer Natalie Preston, a six-year veteran of the force, intervened.

"That really threw us for a loop when she stepped in between our cars," Kelly said. "(She) said my partner is not going to step in front of me and tell you directions if I'm not."

And adding insult to injury:

Collins said the couple was released from jail without being charged with anything...

Collins said police left Kelly's car unlocked and the windows down at the impound lot. He reported a cell phone charger, pair of sunglasses and 20 CDs were stolen.

Baltimore City police said they are looking into the incident.

Welcome to Baltimore.

What more can be said about Maurice Clarett?

Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett was accused of robbing two people at gunpoint in an alley behind a bar early Sunday, the latest trouble for the Buckeyes star who left the school in disgrace and failed to gain early entry into the NFL.

Clarett fled the scene and was wanted on two counts of aggravated robbery. According to police, he left in a white sport utility vehicle with two other men and took only a cell phone from his alleged victims, who weren't injured.

The 22-year-old Clarett fled when the bar owner or manager, who knew both Clarett and the victims, came into the alley and identified him shortly before 2 a.m. Sunday, detectives said.

Donald Everett Waters, 39, is charged with two felony counts of wanton endangerment, in addition to resisting arrest, carrying a concealed deadly weapon, leaving the scene of an accident and driving under the influence. Waters was stopped for hit and run when it was discovered that he was allegedly letting his 7-year-old son drive for him. Police stopped his van on I-64 in Kentucky. They say that Waters was working the pedals while his 7-year-old son Cody was sitting on his lap steering.

[Clark County Sheriff's Deputy Ricky Estes] described Waters as "semiconscious."

"He said he was en route to Florida, and his son was going to get him there," Estes said.

Waters' 3-year-old son was also in the van, Estes said. He said it appeared Waters had been living out of the vehicle.

Waters was arrested and the children were taken by social services.

Thirty-four year old Shane Stant has been informed by Multnomah County (OR) Circuit Judge Julie Frantz that the state cannot expunge his criminal record. Stant made the request because a felony conviction for assault is keeping him out of the Navy SEALs.

Who is Shane Stant, you ask? He's the one who whacked Olympic Figure Skater Nancy Kerrigan on the leg.

Stant served 14 months in prison for the conspiracy involving skater Tonya Harding and her ex-husband when Harding was seeking the U.S. figure skating title and a spot on the 1994 Winter Olympics team...

Stant struck Kerrigan with a police baton as she prepared to compete in the U.S. championships in Detroit, leaving Kerrigan crumpled on the floor, grabbing her knee and crying out, "Why? Why?" Kerrigan recovered from the injury and won the silver medal in the Olympics.

Isn't 34 a little old to join the Navy SEALs?

If you're dissatisfied with the service the next time you're out to lunch, don't call the police because they don't want to hear about it. Thirty-year old Sharita Williams of Houma (LA) allegedly dialed 9-1-1 to complain about her cold onion rings. She told the operator that the waiter at the Malt-N-Burger in Thibodaux refused to replace them. The police showed up, but it was to arrest Williams for wasting police resources. She is due in court next month.

Women's public restrooms must be A LOT CLEANER than men's. I don't care how drunk you are, having sex in a bathroom stall of a nightclub is gross, and apparently frowned upon in Florida.

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were charged after their arrest at a bar where witnesses told police the women had sex in a restroom.

Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday.

Witnesses said the women were having sex in a stall with each other, angering patrons waiting in line to get into the restroom at the club in the Channelside district.

But the trouble didn't stop there. Ms. Thomas was charged with battery for allegedly hitting a bar patron as she left the restroom. She then got into even more trouble when she gave police officers a driver's license that was not hers. Thomas faces charges for "giving a false name and causing harm to another", a third degree felony. Keathley faces misdemeanor charges for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

UPDATE: Images shamelessly stolen from The Nose on your Face, who no doubt stole them from someplace else.

Soccer dad Martin Smith stands accused of sucker punching a referee from his kid's soccer match. Jeffrey Rousseau, the ref who was attacked, suffered a dislocated jaw and says he never saw the attack coming.

History appears to show that Martin Smith seems to have trouble controlling his temper.

In August, Smith, 41, pleaded innocent to charges he tried to run down a woman with his car following an argument at a gas station, Police Sgt. John Delaney said. He is due back in court for a hearing on that charge next month.

Witnesses told police that Smith shouted threats at the referees during Wednesday's soccer match between Central and Westfield High School. They said he was upset because a yellow card warning was issued to one of his sons, although Delaney said the other referee made the call.

The victim, Rousseau, who is also an off-duty cop wasn't even the right referee.

An Oregon lottery winner could end up losing, after it was alleged that she purchased the winning ticket with a stolen credit card.

Christina Goodenow, 38, of White City in southern Oregon faced numerous theft-related charges, forgery and possession of methamphetamine, said authorities, who searched her home Thursday. The card belonged to a deceased relative, they said.

If convicted of any of the charges, Goodenow will not be able to collect prize money from the winning ticket, said police Lt. Tim George.

I can't believe they let people purchase lottery tickets with a credit card. Maybe they are the ones that should be in jail.

Reader Bruce submitted this story which shows that nobody ever accused criminals of being too smart. The Smoking Gun reports on two hapless Australian bandits who gleefully posed for the cameras with loot in hand after pulling off a $130,000 bank heist. They used unloaded BB guns and took several digital photos of themselves after the robbery. (click for photos)

The robbery has received extensive coverage in the Australian press, where the pair has been dubbed "Dumb and Dumber" in light of the hair-brained plot. Along with their distinctive Down Under accents, when they robbed the bank, the men were wearing work badges from the ski shop where they were employed. And, minutes after the stickup, they even used their Vail ski passes to board a getaway chairlift just blocks from the WestStar branch.

The two men were quickly caught and were each sentenced to nearly 5 years in prison.

Society has become so impatient, that waiting for the microwave isn't fast enough.

A Walgreens employee allegedly stabbed a co-worker in an argument over who could microwave her soup first, authorities said.

Both women wanted to use the microwave in the employee break room Wednesday afternoon, according to the Broward County Sheriff's Office.

While they were fighting over who could use the microwave first, Mellesia Grant grabbed a large kitchen knife off the counter and stabbed Merloze Tilme in the abdomen, the sheriff's office said.

Grant was arrested for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and held on a $50,000 bond. No word on whether or not she was also fired.

Everyone's heard of citizen's arrest, but how about citizen's body cavity search? (entire article quoted below)

A gang of teenage boys who dressed as police officers to body search female visitors to the Munich Beer Festival have been arrested.

The fake cops pretended they were looking for hidden weapons as they ran their hands over the bodies of women they singled out.

But they were caught by the real cops after women complained about the intimate searches.

The three teenagers face charges of sexual assault, indecency and impersonating a police officer.

Remember, cops never like you horning in on their action.

After stealing a car from a gas station attendant, two alleged car thieves were nabbed after they returned to the station an hour later to fill up with gas.

Employee Pam Pease, 49, was sweeping the parking area when she noticed a familiar car pull up to pump No. 7.

It was her blue 1994 Ford Escort with a missing hubcap. She had reported it stolen less than an hour earlier.

"It just blew my mind, but there they were," Pease said. "I'm glad it was low on gas."

Artemio Castillo, 49, and Ernesto Garcia, 41, were arrested Tuesday night.

Thomas Wease was told by his doctor that he could grow medical marijuana reports the AP. But after he grew about a ton of the controlled substance, he decided to call the cops and find out if it was legal. Apparently, it wasn't.

Wease says he called the sheriff's office to find out just how much pot he could grow. Wease says he would have taken a machete and chopped down the excess weed himself, had somebody told him to do so.

Wease says he has a doctor's marijuana recommendation for his bad back. He adds he was also growing the weed for more than 20 other medical marijuana users. Wease was busted on suspicion of illegal cultivation and possession for sale.

We've probably all wondered if this would work, now we know.

Indiana State Police say a man who'd been stopped for speeding tried to distract a drug-sniffing dog by throwing dog biscuits out of his car.

Authorities say Jong Kim was pulled over near Wabash. Police say that when a drug-sniffing dog walked around Kim's car, he threw dog biscuits and debris out the window, in an apparent attempt to distract the animal.

Unfortunately for Mr. Kim, it didn't, and he was charged with felony possession of marijuana (75 grams) and for resisting officers.

A pair of husband and wife cat burglars left more than their car sitting in front of the house they were robbing. When the homeowner returned, he immediately noticed two unaccompanied kids sitting in the back seat.

Two children were sitting on the back seat so the man asked them where their father was and was told he was "robbing" the house.

The man rushed inside to find a man and a woman who immediately ran out and drove off with the children.

The man could not catch the burglars, who did not steal anything, but was able to describe the whole family to the police.

Former National Security Advisor, Sandy Burglar, has been fined $50,000 for knowingly stealing classified documents from the National Archives and destroying them. The government had asked for a $10,000 fine, but the judge increased it. Berger was also sentenced to 2 years probation, 100 hours of community service, and surrenders his security clearance for three years.

According to the National Industrial Security Program Operating Manual, (NISPOM), Top Secret information is defined as information that could "cause exceptionally grave damage" to the national security of the United States. Politics aside, I would think that someone convicted of intentionally destroying classified material would never be permitted access to it again.

A world class cat.. er.. chicken burglar was nabbed after 4 years on the lam[b]. He was captured after his name turned up on Interpol's most wanted list. Ananova reports:

The 51-year-old chicken thief, from Iasi in eastern Romania, who is unnamed for legal reasons, had left the country four years ago.

But when he returned to visit family he was told by border guards he had been identified from an Interpol list of dangerous fugitives - for stealing chickens from his neighbour's farm before he left.

Police spokesman Serban Pittner said: "He was a wanted man for four years. Officers identified him by his international arrest warrant for stealing seven chickens."

The international chicken thief has been sentenced to three and a half years in jail.

The chickens were apparently never recovered.

What's more hilarious than a fake bank robbery? How about duping a young girl into handing the bank teller your stickup note. Michael Lyons, 45, from Savannah (GA) told police that he and a group of girls celebrating his daughter's birthday were just playing a practical joke. While Lyons used the ATM, a 13-year old girl went inside and allegedly handed the note to the teller. Police and the FBI responded to the bank's alarm, and they were not laughing. Lyons has been charged with "criminal attempt of robbery by intimidation".

Via National Geographic:

Speeding from the scene of the crime, a Chinese boy tows a floating plastic bag of stolen natural gas last week. Flouting a government ban, farmers around the central Chinese town of Pucheng frequently filch gas from the local oil field.

Nobody ever accused criminals of being too smart, but hatching a murder plot while you're sitting in jail doesn't help your case.

Co-defendants in a drug case emptied toilet bowls in their Federal Detention Center cells and yelled to each other through the drainpipes about killing witnesses who might testify against them, prosecutors said.

What Dawud Bey and those he communicated with didn't know was that the FBI was also listening, via wiretaps in and around their cells, Assistant U.S. Attorney Mark J. Ehlers said Thursday.

Now they face charges of threatening government witnesses on top of everything else.

Colombian officials have jailed a cow for causing traffic accidents. That's right, a cow.

A cow has been put in prison after it was blamed for a road accident in Colombia.

The cow was wandering along a road in Giron when was hit by a woman on a motorcycle.

The woman was not badly hurt but police decided the cow was a danger and 'arrested' it.

Officers were unable to find out who owns the [cow] and are keeping it in the town's prison.

A police spokesman said: "If it was a person who caused the accident, he or she would be behind bars, so why not a cow?"

Gas is expensive and if you plan on stealing it, you'd better make sure you don't get diesel fuel by mistake. Two men in Indiana were arrested on felony charges after their getaway was apparently spoiled because their car wouldn't run.

Two men who tried to steal gasoline from a construction company instead filled the tank of their car with off-road-grade diesel fuel Sunday, police said.

An employee of Beer & Slabaugh spotted the men on the company property near Nappanee, about 20 miles southeast of South Bend, as they were siphoning fuel out of a car's tank, Elkhart County deputies said.

The two told the employee that a friend had put the wrong fuel into the tank and they were trying to empty it, authorities said. The employee noticed that the fuel was the distinctive red color of off-road diesel.

In Newport News (VA), someone wandered into Warwick High School with a gun. Summer session was over and school was out, but office staff and employees signaled the alarm when they saw someone with a gun. Police were summoned, as was the Fire Department bomb squad. The surrounding neighborhood filled up with first responders ready for another Columbine-esque standoff. (I bet it looked like the Wild West.)

So who was the cause of the panic? Who was the depraved gunman who stalked the halls of Warwick High School? It was apparently a plainclothes policewoman.

As members of the tactical team were preparing to take positions around the school off Warwick Boulevard, officers were on the phone with the woman, who by then had left the building, police spokesman Lou Thurston said.

"Once we got a good description from the witness, we had a pretty good idea who it might be," he said. He said the possibility that they were wrong necessitated the heavy response.

Thurston wouldn't identify the officer, other than say she was in plainclothes and went to the school on personal business.

[Michelle Morgan, spokesman for Newport News schools] said the aide who saw the holstered pistol didn't see a badge, which according to Officer Harold Eley, violates department policy. The policy states the weapon must be concealed when in public, or the officer's badge must be visible next to the weapon.

"She had no identification that let the employee know she was a police officer," Morgan said.

Some people just weren't meant to own guns.

A man annoyed by a noisy car alarm fired at least three bullets into a Toyota Camry, silencing the alarm and bringing out police who hauled him away in handcuffs, authorities said.

David Owen Rye, 48, was arrested and booked for investigation of reckless discharge of a firearm and felony vandalism, Sgt. John Adamczyk said. Rye allegedly told officers he grabbed his handgun and went out to put a stop to the car alarm.

If you ever want to practice calling 9-1-1, you may want to unplug the phone first.

Sylvia D'Antonio, 46, of Lake Parsippany, New Jersey, was charged with disorderly conduct for making three late night 911 calls.

But she insists the calls were made by Slayer, her German shephard, reports the Asbury Park Press.

A police dispatcher was alarmed because when the calls were picked up "the only communication was someone breathing".

The calls were traced and three squad cars raced to D'Antonio's home where they found there was no emergency.

Frog's Sports Club in East Carondelet (IL) is likely to lose their liquor license after officers observed them allegedly hosting nude spaghetti wrestling.

Ray Curtis, co-owner of the bar, asked Mayor Herb Simmons not to revoke the bar's liquor license. "Everybody deserves a second chance," Curtis said. "That's what we're asking for."

Village Attorney David Schneidewind asked for the village to revoke the bar's liquor license for violating local ordinances and state statutes regarding illegal gambling, nudity and underage drinking.

Sounds like a good weekend in Vegas.

During the hearing, Curtis said he had no idea that the nude entertainment was going on at his bar.

"It's my fault for not being there more often," Curtis said. "The fliers said spaghetti wrestling, not nude spaghetti wrestling. Somebody could have come to me with this information before."

Shocked, I say, shocked!

According to the police report, it was bar co-owner Tom Williams who contracted St. Louis-based Unleashed Entertainment for $100, and agreed that the wrestlers would be able to keep their tips...

East Carondelet Police officer Tim Bedard testified during the hearing that the spaghetti wrestling contests had been held at least on two occasions: Once at the end of May and again on Saturday.

Heh. So the officer was there back in May too.

Bedard said that while he was undercover he took photographs of the women during one of the wrestling contests, and was approached by Williams to e-mail Williams a copy of the photographs.

That doesn't sound very "undercover".

Former female employees of Frog's bar testified that Williams encouraged bartenders to flash patrons and pay out poker games. Both women said an underage boy had been served and had been to the bar on several occasions, including the wrestling matches.

The "boy" was 19 years old and apparently used a fake ID.

So just who are the victims here? You have adults standing around drinking while other adults frolic around in spaghetti. And somewhere along the line a boob pops out, and he starts taking pictures for the local prosecutor. And just how many people were shot, raped, or robbed while police resources were spent trying to enforce the morality code among consenting adults on private property?

We've come a long way if this is what we consider cruel and unusual punishment. (entire article quoted below)

Five straight turkey dinners prompted El Paso County jail inmates to go on a brief hunger strike. The inmates refused to eat Saturday, arguing that meals such as turkey chili mac, turkey a la king, turkey stew and turkey sausage were unnecessarily cruel.

If that's the case, then my mother inflicted cruelty on us every week after Thanksgiving.

Sheriff's officials said Wednesday that the hunger strike ended after about half an hour.

"Turkey, turkey and more turkey is not a form of punishment," the Sheriff's Office said in a tongue-in-cheek prepared statement. "The inmates accepted this reasoning and gobbled up their dinner meal."

The inmates had spaghetti for dinner Wednesday � with turkey-based meat sauce.

"What's your rationale for shooting the Pope? I guess the guy figured, 'Hey look, I want to go to Hell and I don't wanna wait on line with everybody else.'. . .I wanna take the Hell express. . .You walk up to the door with your ticket, they say, 'Shot the Pope? You can go right through, man.'" -- Eddie Murphy, on the subject of shooting the Pope.

Here's someone else who apparently wanted to take the Hell Express.

A Pittsburgh-area T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally challenged teammate so he wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday. Mark R. Downs Jr., 27, of Dunbar, Pa., is accused of offering one of his players the money to hit the boy in the head with a baseball, police said. Witnesses told police Downs didn't want the boy to play in the game because of his disability. Police said the boy was hit in the head and in the groin with a baseball just before a game, and didn't play...

Mark Furman apparently followed O.J. Simpson to Miami, snuck into his house, and planted a bootlegged DirecTV system.

A federal judge in Miami has ordered former football superstar O J Simpson to pay a $25,000 fine to the satellite television firm DirecTV for using unauthorised devices to receive its programming.

In December 2001, police and a DirecTV representative entered Simpson's home in Miami, after receiving information indicating that he had been receiving the satellite company's signal without paying for the service.

Simpson, for his part, insisted that he had not stolen the company's signal.

Russian thieves dressed up as police officers to hijack trucks in route from St. Petersburg to Moscow. Ananova reports that when the drivers got out to show identification, they were tied up, tossed into a waiting car, and driven into the forest while other gang members made off with the booty.

In all, the well coordinated operation netted the thieves three trucks filled with thousand of rolls of toilet paper.

In related news, a Chicago man is in deep doo doo after he stole a police car to get to work. The guy was busted after he stopped to assist a citizen who was flagging him down for help.

Clayton County (GA) is trying to combat teen lawlessness. For starters, if minors are caught out after the 11 PM curfew, parents will be fined up to $1,000 and face 6 months in jail. Sounds tough, doesn't it? Well, this should take the teeth out of it.

If the teenager is found to be in violation of the curfew with their parents' permission, the police could hold their parents accountable and force them to face a juvenile court judge. Parents would not be held accountable if it is determined that their teenager snuck out of the house past curfew.

The County is also getting tough on graffiti. In fact, they've banned it. But guess who's stuck holding the fine for "illegal" graffiti.

An additional ban on graffiti adopted by the commission requires business owners to erase the markings from their premises within 30 days or face fines up to $1,000.

How about we get some juvenile offenders out there cleaning it up as part of their community service. Better yet, make them slaves for a week to local businesses. That ought to help the economy and discourage recidivism.

This time it's the dog who was attacked allegedly by a local teen.

A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.

Sadly, the dog suffered from internal bleeding and died a few days later. Looking at the photo, it appears to be a pit bull. Amazingly, none of the news articles mention the breed. Had the dog attacked the boy, I'm sure it would have been national news, especially if it were a pit bull.

(click to supersize)

Remember Sandy Burglar? He's the former National Security Advisor to President Clinton, who was caught shoving classified documents into his shorts and smuggling them out of the National Archives. For some undisclosed reason, his sentencing has been postponed until September.

I'm sure it had nothing to do with this, though:

Senate Democrats moved forcefully into the controversy surrounding White House aide Karl Rove on Thursday, calling for legislation to deny security clearances to officials who disclose the identity of an undercover agent.

Next time a little girl runs out in front of your car, you may want to think twice before swerving to avoid her. From World Net Daily:

A man who grabbed a 14-year-old girl's arm to chastise her after she walked in front of his car, causing him to swerve to avoid hitting her, must register as a "sex offender," the Appellate Court of Illinois has ruled.

Fitzroy Barnaby, a 28-year-old Evanston, Illinois, man was prosecuted for attempted kidnapping and child abduction charges following a November 2002 incident in which he nearly hit the teen with his vehicle.

The girl testified Barnaby yelled, "Come here, little girl," when he jumped out of his car and grabbed her arm. She broke away and called authorities. Barnaby says he was merely trying to lecture her for her carelessness. . .

Trial Judge Patrick Morse ordered registration reluctantly, acknowledging it was "more likely than not" Barnaby only intended to chastise the girl. "I don't really see the purpose of registration in this case. I really don't," Morse said. "But I feel that I am constrained by the statute."

Kim du Toit says there's plenty of blame to go around for this travesty of justice. He lists the following people, at a minimum, who need a swift kick in the nuts:

1. The Chicago cop who arrested Barnaby for an action which was no offense.
2. The parents of the little girl, who, instead of giving her a severe spanking for playing in the traffic, pressed charges.
3. The Illinois state's attorney who decided to prosecute this case, despite the obvious injustice and misapplication.
4. The trial judge who allowed this bullshit to continue.
5. The appellate judges who didn't follow common sense, but instead just went with the letter of the law. So much easier, and he brought all this on himself. [...]

Every single person mentioned in 1-5 needs to be flogged, tarred and feathered, because an innocent man has now been tagged with the label of "sex criminal", with all that this implies, when he is, in fact, anything but. His reputation has been destroyed, his freedoms have been taken away, and he has been turned into a felon, just for trying to do the right thing. He'd have been better off if he'd run the girl down instead.

Zero-toleranceintelligence has hit prime time.

Apparently our "gun-free" national parks are plagued by gun toting illegal aliens growing pot.

Marijuana cultivation in the park has increased steadily over the past 10 years. Since 2001, however, the number of plants seized in California's oldest national park has jumped eightfold.

The pot fields are financed by the Mexican drug cartels that dominate the methamphetamine trade in the adjacent Central Valley, drug-enforcement officials say. The officials say there is evidence that the cartels, in turn, have financial ties to Middle Eastern smugglers linked to Hezbollah and other groups accused of terrorism.

This is the most serious and largest assault on this park since we took control of the land in the 19th century," said Bill Tweed, Sequoia's chief naturalist. The park was established in 1890, one week before Yosemite was designated a national park.

"To have people out there, showing up with AK-47s to greet visitors � that's not how it's supposed to be in a national park. The premise of the park as a special place is now in trouble," Tweed said. So is the idea that you can put a " 'fence of law' around a national park," he said, adding that the park is "not immune from the ills of society."

So drugs are illegal, guns in National Parks are illegal, and illegal immigrants are illegal. Somewhere out there, a politician is busy thinking up a new law for these bad guys to disobey.

Around D.C., you can go to just about any coffee shop and use their wi-fi internet connection. You simply power up your laptop, scan the airwaves, and connect to their internet connection. Shopping malls and other businesses are following suit. For $50 a month and the cost of a few cheap wireless routers, you can let your customers surf the web while they suck down your coffee and eat danishes. It seems harmless and must be good for business or they wouldn't do it.

But in Florida, it is apparently a felony.

Benjamin Smith III, 41, faces a pretrial hearing this month following his April arrest on charges of unauthorized access to a computer network, a third-degree felony.

Police say Smith admitted using the Wi-Fi signal from the home of Richard Dinon, who had noticed Smith sitting in an SUV outside Dinon's house using a laptop computer.

Now, I'm not saying that Smith is completely innocent. Exactly what he was doing on the internet wasn't made clear. He could have been surfing for kitty p0rn, downloading illegal music, or harvesting credit card numbers. If he was, he should be charged with those crimes. But on the other hand, he could have been just checking his email and stock quotes. Or looking for directions to a local address.

Unless they can determine malice, charging him with a felony just seems idiotic. And shame on Dinon for not securing his connection. You don't leave your curtains open and then complain because people watch you get undressed.

UPDATE: I wonder if the Communcations Act of 1934 weighs in here. It basically says you are allowed to receive whatever someone is transmitting. (We've amended that, obviously, to exclude cell phones and encrypted transmissions.)

A Texas man was arrested and taken to jail for jumping into the water and saving the life of another man who was drowning. Not saving people is the government's job, and they don't like private citizens horning in where they don't belong.

Police say Dave Newman, 48, disobeyed repeated orders by emergency personnel to leave the water. The police report does not mention Newman's rescue of 35-year-old Abed Duamni of Houston on Sunday afternoon. . .

After being handcuffed and put in a Texas State University police squad car, Newman was taken to jail and charged with interfering with public duties.

Following England's lead, New York police are also blaming the iPod for a recent crime wave. Entire article quoted below:

Two teenagers were under arrest Sunday on suspicion of killing another teen for his iPod portable music player, police said.

Samuel Darran, 16, and Daryl Stephen, 17, were facing charges of murder, robbery and weapons possession in the death of 15-year-old Christopher Rose, police said.

Rose and three friends were accosted by a group of young men Saturday evening in the East Flatbush section of Brooklyn, police said. Members of the group demanded Rose's iPod and stabbed him twice in the chest when he resisted. The group fled, taking Rose's iPod and a backpack, police said.

Police also have reported a wave of iPod robberies on city subways, saying in April that 50 iPods had been stolen this year, compared to none over the same period last year.

It's believed that most robbers kept the devices, which can retail for about $100 to $500, for personal use rather than selling them.

Cat-burglars broke into a Miami pet shop and made off with a dozen of the store's cute and fuzzy little puppies (and several bags of dog food). The burglars, who targeted small-dog breeds, were caught on tape but were wearing disguises. What's most striking about the story was this reaction from Tyler Thomson, the store's owner.

"I just feel sorry for those dogs, because they don't deserve those dogs. They come in and steal, and how are they going to take care of them?" said Thomson.

Probably with that stolen dog food, some stolen dog bowls, and stolen water. Then there's this:

His next step is to buy a big guard dog, to keep a eye on the remaining pups.

Won't they just steal the guard dog too?

Prosecutors are charging a New York man with a hate crime (a/k/a thought crime), after he beat someone with a baseball bat. Hate crimes are like normal crimes, except the perpetrator is motivated by hatred of his victims, unlike normal beatings. The two beatings may look the same and may result in the same injuries, but hate criminals must also be punished for what they are thinking inside their head as they thump away on their victims.

A white man faced hate-crime charges after police said he and two friends set upon three black men with a baseball bat, leaving one with a fractured skull, in a neighborhood that became infamous for a fatal racial confrontation two decades ago. . .

Nicholas Minucci, 21, was to be charged Thursday with first-degree assault as a hate crime, menacing, criminal possession of a weapon and other charges, police Commissioner Ray Kelly said.

So Minucci faces a more serious punishment, because he is white and his victim was black. If instead he had. . .oh I dunno. . .beat down a little old white lady, that's not as serious. Because he was beating a black man, he was obviously thinking something like, "I'm gonna kill this black mofo." If it were grandma and he was slugging away while thinking, "When's this old bitch gonna die", that's a lesser crime.

Now, I know what you're thinking, an assault is an assault. No! Bludgeoning someone for the $10 in their pocket is perfectly understandable. It serves them right for walking around with $10. But bludgeoning someone just because they look different than you is reprehensible, and must be punished more severely.

NBA Player Chris Wilcox was busted for illegal handgun possession. Police found a gun in his car during a traffic stop reports WBAL. He's facing misdemeanor gun possession and up to 3 years in jail.

According to charging documents, the officer asked Wilcox if he had been drinking. After briefly hesitating, the charging documents reveal Wilcox nervously answered, "Yes, I had one drink." Collins reported Wilcox passed a field sobriety check.

Police said a K-9 team responded to the scene and the dog reacted to something in the car.

"The officer asked Mr. Wilcox whether there was something we need to know about in the car, and he indicated that he had a gun, and a search located the gun," Howard County police spokeswoman Sherry Llewellyn said.

The news blurb on the radio this afternoon said that the police used a "gun-sniffing dog". Given the amount of guns and ammo that have been in an out of my car over the years, the dog would almost always hit on my car. But then I live work and play in Virginia, where open carry is legal and concealed carry is accepted.