Oscar De La Hoya's fight with Floyd Mayweather doesn't end tonight. It's just beginning. Find out what Oscar intends to do to Floyd after the fight.

High quality woman seeking high quality man. I think I see why she's having trouble finding one, and it's not because she's a self-rightous bitch. Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey offers a "dating tip", which pretty much centers around men meeting her stringent requirements.

I am a very high-quality woman. I know that sounds arrogant, but let's consider the facts:

• I'm slim (whereas 62% of American women age 20 to 74 are overweight)
• I'm attractive (my new picture has been rated more attractive than 86% of the women on Hot or Not -- and the women who upload their pictures are a self-selected sample that is probably already biased towards being more attractive than the general female population)
• I'm relatively young (whereas 82% of American adult women are over 30 years old)
• I'm intelligent (IQ tested at 145 when I was a child, which is 3 standard deviations above the mean -- higher than 99.85% of the population. Even if I've gotten dumber as I've aged I'm probably still at least a 130, which is higher than 97.5% of the population.)
• I'm educated (whereas 77% of American women do not have bachelor's degrees)
• I have my financial shit together (no debt, perfect credit history, 6+ months living expenses saved, adequate insurance, self employed)
• I have a strong libido and love having sex (my lover *never* has to beg, unless it's for me to let him get some sleep!)
• Most of my interests tend to be more popular with men than women: science fiction, libertarianism, blogging, politics, economics, guns, gambling, etc.

This boils down to the basic difference between men and women. Men generally see themselves as perfect no matter what their shortcomings may be. Women tend to be more self-loathing and focus on their negative attributes (or in this case self-professed lack thereof). Women also tend to want to improve a man, whereas men want their women to stay just as they are.

Personally, I take issue at several items on her list. Normally I wouldn't call them out, but where's the fun in keeping to myself?

1. She's slim and appears to be somewhat tall. I can only speak for me, but I don't like slim women. Real women should have curves, not shaped like an ironing board. And what about breastses. I prefer a natural D-cup or larger whereas 92.3457% of women are small-breasted.

2. Yeah, her hot or not photo is somewhat attractive but I've dated a lot hotter women. And let's face it, looks aren't everything. Comeliness fades over time, but a woman who can cook. . .now that's timeless.

3. There is nothing wrong with women over 30. In fact older women (and those who act older than they are) are much more attractive.

4. IQ isn't so much a measure of intelligence as it is potential. Besides men don't really care much about IQs and they never want a woman who's smarter than them. Take my advice ladies, going around quoting your IQ is a big turn-off.

5. Ditto for edumacation. If your smart, a guy will see that. No need to point it out, especially if you graduated from some tiny teachers college with a third-rate football team.

6. Every guy likes a women who's good with money, but lets not overdo it. Guys don't like to feel like a kept man. Call me old-fashioned, but a man should take care of his lady not the other way 'round.

7. What is the deal with women who like sex thinking they can compare to men who like sex? Unless you're a retired porn actor or admitting to being a blow-job under the desk kinda woman, it's never enough.

8. Sharing common interests is over-rated. Guys don't really like their women to be "just one of the guys". That's what "guy friends" are for. And once again, I'll put myself out on a limb and say what all the other guys are thinking but are too afraid to say. If you really wanna attract a man, your hobbies should include cooking and cleaning.

For more light reading on how to please your man...

FARK's photoshop contest reminded me of this old post..

Mrs. Buttinski

For a junior Senator that claims to have no Presidential aspirations, she sure does butt in to a lot of photo ops.

Best of Ravenwood's Universe, originally posted 05/09/2003.

How to act when (not if) you're mugged in D.C. Heh.

At least according to Jeremy Robb's cynical mind.

After San Francisco voters banned guns in the most recent election, city officials say they are struggling to keep up with the massive amount of guns being voluntarily turned over by gang members and other criminals.

"When I proposed this ballot initiative, I knew we'd rid the city of guns," said Supervisor Chris Daly. "I guess I wasn't prepared for the massive turnout by local gang members so eager to give us their guns. We're having to take away from resources in our pot farming initiative that passed in the last election in order to handle all of these guns."

Gang members were lined up for several blocks outside of a San Francisco police station in order to turn over their guns. "It's the right thing to do, yo," said a gangbanger known as Fizzle. "Da peeps in Frisco said no to guns, so we got no choice but to hand over that shizat. Now I gots to go be an organic farmer or some shit like dat. It ain't right. I stole this .45 two years ago, and now I have to give it to the police. It just ain't right."

How apropos:

"Stop the Violence," read one banner draped on the Wall of Peace near the Eiffel Tower. Some of the 200 demonstrators - a small turnout in protest-friendly France - waved white flags.

A joke:

A man and a woman are having drinks and the topic of discussion eventually turns to sex.

"Come on," the man says. "You mean to tell me that you wouldn't have sex with a guy for a million dollars."

"No," she claims.

"You mean, I pull out a suitcase filled with money, tell you that you can have it all and all you have to give me is one night of love, and you walk away. I mean, we're talking about a million dollars here."

"Okay," she admits. "For a million dollars, yes. If nobody else had to know about it, I'd have sex with you for a million dollars."

The guy says, "Okay, how about $100."

"WHAT!? I'm not a prostitute."

He fires back, "Well, we've already established that you're a prostitute, now we're just haggling over price."

What does that have to do with anything? I dunno. For some reason, this just made me think about it.

Canadian officials became alarmed when they discovered a website offering counterfeit gun registration forms. The site allowed users to enter information and print out the forms to mail into the firearms registry center.

A website that generated fake Canadian gun registrations continued to operate for more than a year after federal officials tried to shut it down.

A file from the website, registered in the United States, allowed visitors to fill in and print reproductions of Canadian firearms registration certificates.

Documents obtained through the Access to Information Act show that the government agency responsible for gun control knew about the website early last year.

Though real certificates are printed on a special watermark paper, the web versions "have the look of official documents," David Pimm of the Canadian Firearms Centre said in an internal e-mail.

That does sound alarming. Was the site collecting information on Canadian gun owners? Were they using the site to set up their own private gun registry? Well, not exactly.

Details on the. . .site suggested it was created partly to poke fun at the firearms centre.

Under gun type, the drop-down menu included "nail gun," "hair dryer" and "pointy stick."

The form also had a note that it was "Not a CFC (Canadian Firearms Centre) Document" and "Education purpose only."

Canadian government officials eventually got the site shut down, which is a big mistake. Without registration, Canuckers will now have to learn to fend for themselves against people armed with pointy sticks and fresh fruit. If the government isn't going to force people to register their pointy sticks, then they should provide them with a self defense class.

Sgt.: ...Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.: What do you mean?

Jones: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin: Can't we do something else?

Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director.

"A normal person would pull out the stopper."

Via ScrappleFace:

(2005-08-23) -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez beefed up security at his residence and offices today after reports that Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson has issued a fatwa calling for the assassination of the South American communist dictator.

Venezuelan police have begun detaining and searching "clean cut, Bible-toting men in unfashionable clothing" as likely followers of the wealthy, charismatic religious personality. However, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) immediately lodged a protest with the Venezuelan government over the "profiling" of '700 Club' devotees by security forces.

Mr. Robertson is revered among his fanatical TV viewers, who each year contribute millions of dollars to advance his so-called "ministry," as much as he's feared by the teams of U.S. journalists who track his movements and record his remarks.

The Pentagon immediately denied that Mr. Robertson's name had previously appeared on any Defense Department "watch list," but a spokesman discouraged news networks from airing video of the Robertson fatwa announcement, fearing his remarks might contain coded instructions for Christian cell groups around the world.

Just days after Canadia and Mexico blamed America for the proliferation of guns, London is blaming Asia for the proliferation of knives. The lack of guns has meant that knife crime is on the rise, and Great Britain has long considered banning the implements of evil outright.

Now a recently released study shows that knives are crossing the border by the thousands and the number of people wounded and killed is mounting. The seemingly endless flow across the border -- and the sense the bad guys can tap the pipeline whenever they please -- has left many officers feeling helpless. "We remove knives [from the street] on a regular basis now," says Insp. Georges Thomason, head of criminal intelligence for the London police. "But for these people, it's like buying a pack of candy. They re-arm themselves immediately afterwards."

Most of the knives flow into the country from Asia. The vast majority are stamped with "Made in China". Others come from Taiwan. "Most knives come from China," reports Thomason. "It's like it's a billion quid a year industry."

The connection between the knife supply in China and the criminal element in Great Britain is, after all, well accepted, if not well measured. In 2004, British police asked Scotland Yard to trace 1,135 knives seized during criminal investigations -- cuttlery they were pretty sure originated in China. This year, they're on pace to top that number.

While they are forbidden by law from disclosing the success rate of the traces, it is said that knife issues represent about 80 per cent of the office's work these days. A good thing, too: according to the National Weapons Enforcement Support Team, a unit formed to combat smuggling, fully 94 per cent of crime knives they seized on London streets in 2003 came from China and Taiwan, while other studies suggest one out of two knives recovered in British crime are smuggled into the country.

Meantime, hardly a day passes without news of some stabbing in a British city -- often gang-related and too often devastating to innocent bystanders like Niles Cornish, a four-year-old from Manchester who was caught up in the violence.

If they are unable to pass a Constitutional Amendment banning flag burning, GOP lawmakers plan to use their powers of eminent domain to seize flags from private citizens to prevent them from being burned.

The proposed Constitutional Amendment would read, "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States." But the Amendment process is lengthy and has a low probability for success. But yesterday's Supreme Court ruling, which found that private property could be seized as long as there was some sort of public benefit, gives lawmakers the power to act immediately.

Depending on their size and condition, the seized flags will be put to use flying over government buildings, and vehicles such as fire trucks. Flags that are no longer suitable for display will be disposed of in accordance with the U.S. Flag Code, �176(k) which states: "The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning."

So, I'm watching MSNBC the other day, and they do a featurette on the always wonderful John Hawkin's 25 Pieces of Advice for Bloggers. And then Frank J. goes and writes his Blogging Tips and it's really funny. So I start thinking of stuff John and Frank J. left out. . .Stuff that's really important that Bloggers need to know. So I figured I'd take a crack at it:

Ravenwood's Advice for Bloggers

1. First of all, post lots of Top Whatever Lists and 'Best of' crap. It almost guarantees you lots of links and could even get you on TV. Hopefully this list will prove me right.

2. Secondarily, if you can't come up with your own content, raid your blogroll for ideas. Bloggers are usually too poor to sue you for stealing their ideas, and too lazy to report you to the FEC for illegal campaign contributions. If they do come after you, try the Jedi Mind Trick.

3. Make sure your permalink URLs are created using keywords from the entry. That way nanny filters can toss anything having to do with porn, guns, cigarettes, or booze and block those readers who are cyberslacking at work.

4. Should you be fortunate enough to earn that coveted Instalanche, make sure you post a message at the top saying "Welcome Instapundit Readers!" That shows your regular readers just how unimportant you think they are.

5. If you're a Femme Blogger, be sure to post lots of naked photos of yourself. If you're too shy, just send them to me and I'll post them.

6. If you can't afford a webhost, just hotlink photos from other sites. You should get a bounce in traffic when that webmaster starts bitching and moaning about you stealing his bandwidth.

7. When you send out promotional emails, be sure to do it from your work address. It's so much easier to complain to your boss that way.

8. If you blog about work, make sure you get all the names and dates correct. That could end up being evidence in your wrongful termination lawsuit.

9. Post about owning a lot of guns. That makes people think twice about calling you names in the comments.

10. Whatever you do don't start posting icons for each entry. Once you do, you won't be allowed to stop.

11. If you need help with anything, don't bother looking it up yourself. Just post an entry asking your readers to do it for you.

12. Familiarity is overrated. Keep changing the look and feel of your website every few weeks.

13. People with small monitors and vision problems be damned. Go ahead an used fixed font sizes and screen widths. The horizontal scroll bar is our friend.

14. Midi files are cool. Nothing says web expertise like having your favorite 1970s TV theme playing as soon as your web site loads.

15. Hide the volume control on your favorite 1970s TV theme.

16. Finally, never admit to watching loser networks like MSNBC. Even if they are cleaning up their act with stories about Right Wing News.

Senator Edward Kennedy said yesterday that the Iraq war is like Bush's Chappaquiddick.

"Going to war without an exit strategy is a bit like driving your car into a lake," said Kennedy. "He's just created this horrible mess, and rather than try to fix it he's standing there on the shore pondering the future of his political career."

Kennedy went on to say that calling the war Bush's Vietnam didn't make any sense, because Bush never served in Vietnam.

Mary Jo Kopechne could not be reached for comment.

Back to back linky love. Can you offer a better explanation?

No wonder the guy has a bad back.

UPDATE: I KNEW IT!!

With the Redskins home loss prior to the Presidential election, contender John Kerry has stopped campaigning. History proves that a Redskins loss means that the incumbent is sure to lose. Kerry says that he will save the campaign cash to pay lawyers to prevent Bush from trying to steal the election like in 2000. He will also concentrate on picking cabinet members. Republican John McCain, who was Kerry's first choice for VP is likely to be nominated for Secretary of State. Kerry says that not only is McCain a good man, but it will help build bipartisan support, and get one more stinking Republican out of the Senate.

When asked if he thought the Bush might reverse the curse this year Senator Kerry, who earlier had said that he would rather win the Presidency than see the Red Sox win the World Series, responded, "This thing has been going for like 70 or 80 years. It's a sure thing."

Green Bay safety Darren Sharper, a Kerry supporter, was confident: "Oh, yeah, he's going to win. It's guaranteed. I don't have to vote now. Don't even have to go to the polls. Saved me a trip on Tuesday."

Given the ailment of Chief Justice William Renquist, it seems likely that whomever wins next week's election will be tasked with nominating someone to the Supreme Court. Presidential hopeful John Kerry seized on the opportunity to promise that if elected, he would nominate a Supreme Court justice who would overturn the controversial Bush v. Gore decision of 2000. In 2000, the court decided 7-2 that Al Gore was trying to steal the Presidential election in Florida using unConstitutional selective recounts, but it was a much closer decision of 5-4 that actually put a stop to the attempted theft. Anybody-but-Bush supporters have used the decision to galvanize support for full time war hero and part-time Senator John F. Kerry.

Kerry claimed that overturning Bush v. Gore would "right a grave injustice in the American judicial system", and that a vote for him is like two votes for Gore.

George Lucas, creator of the pop culture Star Wars universe, claimed that an "Assault Weapons Ban" similar to the one that expired September 13th would have kept the Empire from striking back against the Rebel Alliance.

"Assault Weapons are modeled after military weapons," said Lucas, "and had there been a ban as effective as the one we had here, the Empire would have been unable to defeat the rebel base on Hoth. These guns are not used for hunting. Not once did you see a stormtrooper out hunting wampas with a blaster rifle."

The Empire, relied heavily on military-style, rapid-fire assault weapons with pistol grips. These guns have no sporting purpose and are precisely the type of guns targeted by the 1994 gun ban passed by then President Bill Clinton. Imperial troops used the guns to spray fire from the hip and slash through the hapless rebel resistance very quickly. The whole battle was over in the opening act.

David Hasselhoff was arrested for DUI. The Staff Writers of Ravenwood's Universe have obtained his mugshot, and let me tell you, it's not a pretty sight.

Author and anti-war activist Micah Wright, who had lied about his military service to bolster his anti-war rhetoric, deflected some of the criticism by lashing out at those authors and journalists who don't know what it's like to live a lie.

"I've got years of pretend military service," claimed Wright, "and unless you've lived a lie for several years like I have, you have no business criticizing me."

Wright, an anti-war zealot and published author had claimed to be an Army Ranger who served during the invasion of Panama. He commonly deflected criticism from so-called "chickenhawks"; people who support the war but have no military service themselves. But after some quick fact-checking by the Washington Post and contrary claims made by an ex-girlfriend, it was brought to light that Wright had never even been in the Army.

Wright claims that unless his detractors have also made up lies to bolster their credibility, they have no idea what he's going through. Wright claims, "The only guys I know of that are qualified to criticize me are former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair, and that dude from USA Today."

Senator Frank Lautenberg proved that he was still alive by lashing out at the Bush Administration and calling Vice President Dick Cheney a "chickenhawk", reports CNN. Lautenberg, a civil war veteran who fought in the 3rd New Jersey regiment in 1865, was injured during combat operations and lost the use of his spine. Having retired from politics, Lautenberg was dug up at the last minute as a replacement candidate for politically ailing Senator Robert Torricelli in 2002. At the time, Torricelli was under scrutiny for accepting illegal gifts from political donor and prison inmate David Chang.

Lautenberg has emerged as one of DiFi's biggest gun control supporters, but having not fired a gun since Union forces declared "Mission Accomplished" over Johnny Reb, its hard to take him seriously.

For a junior Senator that claims to have no Presidential aspirations, she sure does butt in to a lot of photo ops.

(all photos 'shopped by the Staff Writers at Ravenwood's Universe)

I said I would never put advertising on this site, and I'm going to stick by that. But the hosting fees are getting outrageous, so I'm going to have to diversify into some revenue generating activity. Since there has really only been one type of successful, recession proof business on the net, Ravenwood's Universe is going to start offering hard core pornography.

We'll still have the same old Libertarian rantings and ravings, but our new "Member's Only" section will interlace the posts with hard core porn offerings. Cost for the member's only section will be a super low $9.99 per month. (That is a fraction of what most porn sites charge.)

Teaser soft core porn will be mixed in to the non member's section to give you cheap bastards a taste of what you're missing behind the velvet rope.

(Click to join Ravenwood's BOOBiverse Exclusive Members Section)

Benefits:

• Live sex chat with Karl Rove
• Naked chicks with guns (see Diane Feinstein work my assault weapon)
• Hard core streaming movies (Missionary, doggie style, monkey style)
• Barbra Streisand tossing Rush Limbaugh's Salad
• Ted Rall anal fisting

AND MUCH MORE

Democrats are returning to their roots of voter intimidation, and forcing would be primary voters in South Carolina to sign a loyalty oath to the Democrat Party. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Democrat party member said that they got the idea from the deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. "Saddam made voters sign similar loyalty pledges, and he routinely got 100% of the vote. We aren't shooting for 100%, but we think it will help improve the numbers."

Democrats haven't said if they'll enforce their loyalty pledge after the results of November's general election are in, but party leaders note that they will have the records on hand, should they be needed for any recounts or legal challenges.

In November and December of 2000, Florida ballot counters had trouble determining who voters had intended to vote for in counties like Duval and Palm Beach. "If we'd had similar loyalty pledges back then, it would have been much easier to declare Al Gore the winner," said an anonymous Democrat source.

With both Mars rovers experiencing problems, NASA is conceding that it was probably a mistake to use Microsoft's Windows operating system to power the rovers. A NASA engineer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that at the time Microsoft's software was the only game in town. He also said that although NASA has tried rebooting the rovers several times, the problem doesn't seem to be going away.

A few engineers had recommended using an Apple based system, but after it was realized that the rovers would only work with 10% of the rocket propulsion systems, the idea was scrapped.

Kevin at The Smallest Minority writes about a Texas Oklahoma man that was able to use a gun to reclaim his property from a burglar.

I just wanted to point out that while this incident turned out okay, you must remember that it is never recommended to take the law into your own hands. You are much better off calling 9-1-1. It's best to leave matters to the professionals, who should respond within a few hours, and give you plenty of paperwork to turn over to your insurance company to file a claim. Assuming, of course, that you are still alive.

D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams announced that the District would apply for statehood in 2004. Williams said his concern arose after U.S. District Judge Reggie B. Walton ruled that the Bill of Rights and U.S. Constitution don't apply to the District because it is not a state.

"I want my constituents to have freedom of religion, freedom of expression, and protection from the quartering of British soldiers just like every other American. Besides, judical rulings shouldn't apply to D.C. because the courts were intended to serve state citizens and we're not a state," said Williams.

Williams' plea for statehood was immediately criticized as a silly fantasy. One Congressional staffer said under the condition of anonymity, "Congress has already gutted or repealed the First, Second, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Eighth, Ninth and Tenth Amendments. What's the point in making them a state now?"

Judge Walton stood by his decision, claiming that the Constitution clearly says, "We the people of the United States..." It doesn't mention anything about "districts" or "columbia".

For years, Washington D.C. residents have cried about taxation without representation. Now they have something else to boo hoo about. In a landmark legal ruling, U.S. District Judge Reggie B. Walton ruled that the Bill of Rights only applies to states, and that District residents have no legal protections under the Constitution.

Walton started off by putting a double whammy on the Second Amendment, ruling that it only applies to members of the government (like the National Guard), and that it could only be used to protect people from the government (like the National Guard).

But then Walton went a step further by adding, "the Bill of Rights does not apply to the District of Columbia because it was intended to protect state citizens, and the District is not a state." This is a sharp contrast to the generally held belief that all American citizens are protected by the Constitution, not just those living in one of the 50 states.

The fallout from the ruling is not yet clear. The British Monarchy have already gone on record as saying that they won't quarter any soldiers in the District, but they have not ruled out sending them to the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Guam, or some place tropical.

Meanwhile, the Bush Administration is elated at the decision. They had been pressured to give Constitutional protections to citizens and non-citizens being detained at Guantanimo Bay in Cuba. A spokesman for Bush quipped, "Now that we know the Bill of Rights only applies to people within the 50 states, we don't have to worry about giving fair trials to all those 'Johnny Taliban' types we keep running into in the war on terror." Let the cruel and unusual punishment begin.

My free Playstation 2 should be on it's way.

Hey kids! If your Mom and Dad didn't buy you a PlayStation 2 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they didn't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves! And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives!) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 2!

President Bush announced Tuesday that illegal aliens from Mexico could apply for legal status, reports the Washington Times. Along with Social Security and medicare health benefits, the new U.S. citizens will receive complimentary membership in the Republican Party. While critics of the plan called it a shameless ploy to pander to the immigrant vote, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "The president has long talked about the importance of having an immigration policy that matches willing voters with willing candidates."

I have spent most of the day frantically trying to get a hold of Washington Redskins' owner Daniel Snyder. I met him once a few years ago, but I doubt he remembers me. Still, upon hearing that he would soon be looking for a new head coach, I figured I had to give it a try. My father has been watching the Redskins now for about 20 years. He's seen the best and worst of them all, and from his easy chair in Virginia has had all the answers to the Redskins' coaching needs. Dad would yell at the screen, "You aren't gonna go for it, you dumb son of a bitch!" He was almost always invariably right, and he would just seems to know when the 'Skins were going to foul it up.

Since Dad retired from his 9-to-5 job this past October, I figure he is going to have lots of free time. I would like to finally see him put his vast football knowledge to good use and become the head coach of the Redskins. While he doesn't have any professional or collegiate football experience, he has spent Sunday after Sunday hooting, hollering, shouting, and cussing at the players. Besides, that seems to be all that matters to Snyder, who has had 4 different coaches in 5 years.

Indeed, Dad's chances to turn the team around are slim, and the $5 Million salary might end up exempting him from his monthly social security checks. Still, I think he'd be the best man for the job. Hell, he certainly couldn't do much worse.

Atheism has become the official religion of France, and the government is recommending banning "Islamic head scarves, Jewish skullcaps and large crucifixes". Soviet French official Bernard Stasi claimed that religious "forces are trying to destabilize the country", and that the lack of any religion will help bring all the different people together under an iron curtain of hope.

In a last minute effort to win re-re-election, California Gov. Gray Davis claimed that Arnold Schwarzenegger sexually harassed him at a Democrat fund raiser. This is just one of many recent allegations of sexual misconduct against the Republican candidate for governor.

Davis claims that Arnold showed up to a $1000 a plate Democrat fund raiser with his wife Maria Shriver, a long time Democrat and Kennedy relative. Davis said that Arnold quickly became bored as his wife's trophy, proceeded to get drunk, and groped and harassed Davis in a stall of the men's room. Schwarzenegger decried the allegations as a left wing conspiracy to smear his campaign, and accused Davis of using dirty tactics to try to save his job.

The actor turned politician also told the press that he couldn't possibly have groped Davis, because at the time he was busy fondling Arianna Huffington.

Related articles:
Will Davis be Terminated? -- 08/07/2003.

Illegal aliens that are being granted the priviledge to receive driver's licenses in California are applauding the Ninth Circuit decision to delay the recall election. Unless the Supreme Court intervenes, the recall will be pushed back to March 2004. That should give the new licensees plenty of time to register to vote, and help them to thank Gov. Gray Davis in the March election.

Opponents of the recall note that the delay is certain to help Gray Davis keep his job. By March, he should be able to increase the California budget deficit to more than $50 Billion, and thus assure that nobody would be crazy enough to take the job.

Here's some classic Scrappleface:

ABC News says it will continue to demonstrate the "insecurities of our homeland" in upcoming reports. One reporter even claims he got through L.A. customs without declaring a bottle of vodka purchased undercover on the streets of Jakarta. The bottle could be used to make a Molotov cocktail, a kind of hand-tossed firebomb.

"Right now we have reporters positioned around major airports toting shoulder-launched missiles," said an unnamed ABC News producer. "We also have trucks full of explosives in dozens of underground parking garages, and 55-gallon drums of various toxins poised to dump in major reservoirs nationwide. Of course, we have to pace ourselves in how we reveal this to keep our ratings momentum going."

The producer hinted that Nightly News anchor Peter Jennings may personally "run some guns" from Canada into Detroit later this year.

"Jennings gets through customs in the limo real easy, eh?" the producer said. "But it just shows how porous our borders are. We're doing these reports for the good of the nation."

First this girl made a goofy list about what men should do for women to please them. A few guys like this guy, felt the list was more than a little self serving. Considering it contained items like "walk her dog or dangle toys for her cat", and "surprise her one day by washing, vacuuming, and gassing up her car" I tend to agree with his point. Sorry ladies, but if I play with your dog it is because I like your dog, not because I want to get into your pants. Talk about over-analyzing things. (BTW, if I vacuum your house for you, it is because I want to get into your pants.)

That said, I've got a short list of my own that I think compares to Shell's list.

10 Ways to Please Your Man*

1. Shut the hell up. Sometimes guys just wants some peace and quiet; especially during football season. Remember, it's not you that's the problem, it's your mouth.

2. Get him a beer. A guy works hard all day, and a cold beer helps a guy put up with a women who just will not follow rule number one.

3. If you want something special for your birthday, anniversary, or just because, ask for it. Men are not mind readers, and most still won't get the hint if you spell it out with beer nuts. If you want to save time taking it back to the store to exchange it, make sure he knows the exact size, color, model number, and place to buy it. Better yet, just buy it yourself and send him the bill.

4. Leggo the remote. Men like to be in control of things. He doesn't want to be seen having you control his TV set any more than he wants to be seen having you drive him around town in your minivan.

5. Speaking of cars, how about you say something when the damned oil light comes on. Don't expect that light to buzz or flash when the problem gets worse, or to just go away by itself. If you want to give your man a real feeling of self worth, let him take care of it for you.

6. Clean up your damned feminine products. There's nothing a guy hates more than having to wade through your time of the month crap when he's trying to go to the john, or worse, brush his teeth.

7. Don't make us put up with your mother. If we liked your mother, we'd talk to her. Telling us to be nice to her only makes us hate you for the same reasons we hate her.

8. Don't ask us if you look fat in anything. You don't want an honest answer, and probably won't like it if you get it. Besides, if you're fat, you shouldn't blame the clothes.

9. Don't wait for men to notice things. Even if a guy notices you cut/changed/colored your hair, he's not going to say anything because for all he knows you did it two months ago.

10. Don't over analyze us. Men are what they are, so don't treat us like some sort of science experiment. Anything you read about us in Cosmo is wrong, and the only reason it was put in there was to sucker your dimwitted self into buying the magazine.

I could go on and on, but I think the top 10 are a good start. If you can master these, you should be able to please just about any real man*.

* These techniques may have little or no effect on "metrosexual man" that the feminazis have created. If you have one of those, throw him back and try again.

MSNBC notes that the EPA will not list CO2 as a pollutant, because it has not been granted that authority by Congress. That rings in as good news for both people and plants, who have a direct relationship with the alleged pollutant.

Banning CO2, would have had a huge impact on plants. It is a key component of their life force, and would be akin to banning sunshine, water, or dirt. The announcement also lets humans breathe easily, literally. Banning CO2 would mean that people, who exhale the "pollutant" an average of 60 times a minute, would be comitting a crime with every breath. The worst pollutors, people who exercise regularly, would probably have been the first ones targeted for enforcement.

UPDATE: AP: EPA Exempts Plants From Clean-Air Rule

I must admit, I had never heard of Michael Fumento until about a week ago. Apparently he is some sort of writer, who many people think has it in for webloggers. Fumento (or "400 Papers Fumento" as he likes to be called) is published in over 400 newspapers. Coincidentally, his web site only gets about 400 hits, which seems to be somewhat ego bruising for him. Fumento has been lashing out at bloggers all over the 'sphere, including Right Wing News and Gut Rumbles presumably because we are giving away what he makes others pay for. We are threatening his livelihood. Over at Rob's page, he claims to have 5 books. (Hell, I've got hundreds of books, and I've even read some of them.)

But I'm not going to try to play this game of whose dick is bigger, or who is the better writer, or who has painted toenail porn and who doesn't. I think it's all rather silly. Fumento obviously, is a professional writer. He gets paid to write. Meanwhile, bloggers like Rob and I are maintaining our amateur status so that we may one day participate in the olympics. (Blog Olympics. Now, there's an idea. Quick, register that domain name.)

Comparing blogging to professional writing is like comparing amateur to professional wrestling. Fumento is a pro, and he gets paid to bring in the readers. He's like the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. He's all about showmanship, flair, and putting spectators in the seats. On the other hand, bloggers are like amateur olympic wrestlers with their dorky headgear and goofy leotards. Nobody pays to watch us on pay per view, and we're never going to be filthy rich. And even though one side has a larger audience and a much louder voice, we both still know who the better wrestler really is.

Mike Fumento, circa 1976. (Photo credit)

Mike Fumento, today. (Photo credit)

With Iraq unable to purchase large caches of weapons of mass destruction from France, the French economy shrank 0.3%. France's Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin released a statement blaming the U.S. ouster of Saddam Hussein for the sluggish economy. Exports dropped 0.6% and consumer spending dropped 0.2%. "The second quarter was exceptional owing to the consequences of the war in Iraq," said Raffarin in a released statement.

Still, the Prime Minister was upbeat about France's financial prospects. With Hussein out of the picture, France will turn attention toward the other members of the Axis of Evil. Despite the recent setback, Raffarin expects that a marketing blitz in North Korea and Iran will create "an expansion of 0.8-1.5% for the year as a whole".

California Gov. Gray Davis, asked the State Supreme Court to delay his recall election to 2006, the year of the next regular gubernatorial California election. The Davis camp is also suing for Davis' name to be added to the list of candidates on the 2006 ballot. Davis contends that being left off the ballot by some silly term limits law, California voters that want to keep Davis for a few more terms are unjustly disenfranchised.

UPDATE: Scrappleface takes a similar direction: "[Davis] asks the court to issue an injunction delaying the recall until November 2006."

Congressman Dick Gephardt, who used to represent Missouri, took a break from campaigning today to pay homage to the late great Bob Hope, who died at the age of 100. Gephardt personally contacted Hope's family to offer his condolences, and urge them to quickly settle Hope's estate. With a net worth estimated anywhere between $100 Million and $1 Billion, the government stands to make quite a financial windfall with the death tax.

"If we get that money before the end of the year, we might be able to extend child tax credits to the working poor, who didn't win life's lottery like Mr. Hope," claimed Gephardt. The congressman also said that if elected president, he'd do executive orders to make sure that the super rich didn't ignore their patriotic duty to pay the death tax, when it sunsets for one year in 2010.

With 2000 combat Marines being positioned off the coast of Liberia, it is inevitable that anti-war protesters will be painting their "No Blood for Mineral Resources" signs and picketing the White House this weekend. Liberia has no WMDs, no Saddam Hussein, and no other reason to go to war, except for their rich mineral resources.

The Bush Administration has an image problem. "Liberia has rich mineral resources," claims Arthur Vandelay, an architecture student at William and Mary College in Virginia. "Clearly, Bush and his buddies at the big mineral resource companies have wanted to get their hands on them since Bush was selected back in 2000."

While he was able to disguise his quest for Iraqi oil under the guise of an illegal attempted uranium purchase from Niger, President Bush has no such excuse for Liberia. Without a good reason to invade, the American people won't support another war.

Below is the latest salvo in my war to make General Wesley Clark the Last Man Standing:

Top Ten Reasons Not To Vote Democrat

10. Ralph Nader
9. Joe Leiberman
8. Al Sharpton
7. John Edwards
6. Dick Gephart
5. Howard Dean
4. Carol Moseley-Braun
3. Bob Graham
2. Dennis Kucinich
1. John Kerry

In a last-ditch effort to attract America's military and financial aid, the Democratic Republic of Congo elected Saddam Hussein President yesterday. "We are confident that Saddam Hussein will be able to straighten out our country." winked outgoing President Joseph Kabila. He rushed on, "This monster will stop our people from killing one another so that we may begin the task of killing Americans." Afterwards, he quickly covered up his face with a handkerchief and coughed loudly while his chest shook.

After composing himself, Mr. Kabila said that while Saddam Hussein had not officially arrived in the country, his luggage had and "it smelled funny, like plutonium and anthrax mixed together in a horrendous dirty bomb destined to destroy the infidels of the world." He went on to say, "Regrettably, Congo Air lost the luggage but we suspect it is somewhere in northeast Congo, in the midst of the heaviest tribal genocide."

Mr. Kabila also announced the expulsion of all UN observers but had high praise for the exiting French. "We will miss the French people, and their staunch loyalty and delicious toast."

President Bush is expected to hold a news conference later today announcing troop movements to the central African region.

After launching "safe injection sites", where intravenous drug users will be able to shoot up in safety, Canada has announced that they will also offer "safe prostitution zones" where hookers can safely practice their craft. Since prostitution money is typically used to purchase drugs, it only makes sense to locate the zones very close to each other.

The government will provide free condoms and the back seat of a '77 Camaro where hookers will be able to freely conduct "business". They will be immune from prosecution, as long as they stay in the car. Canadian officials claim that the program will cut down on sexually transmitted diseases, as well as drum up demand for their new "safe injection sites".

White House drug czar John Walters offered up heavy criticism of Canada's plan, and claimed that "drug abuse is a deadly disease."

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien quipped, "I don't know what he's so upset about, eh. One of my staffers came up with the idea while he was at a rock concert down in Detroit."

New York lawmakers today announced plans to ban all internet sales to individuals who aren't "licensed to receive" internet goods and services. The idea was born out of the success of the State's internet tobacco sales ban. The internet tobacco ban was originally touted as a public health measure and a way to keep cigarettes out of the hands of children. But state lawmakers quickly realized the financial windfall, now that consumers had to leave their house to go to actual brick and mortar stores to buy their smokes.

"We were losing literally millions of dollars in tax revenue from internet tobacco sales. I figured, hell, we're losing BILLIONS of dollars of sales tax revenue on all that other stuff people buy online," said State lawmaker Roy Niggardly, chairman of the New York State Ways and Means Committee. "So why not just ban everything."

Sales taxes aren't the only financial gain the state will receive by forcing people to leave their homes to make purchases. Gas taxes, toll bridges, parking, and public transportation revenues are all expected to rise. Although the economic impact for the State of New York is unknown at this time, lawmakers are already thinking of ways to spend the projected budget surplus.

Taking advantage of the bright spot in his administration's economic meltdown, President Bush refinanced the White House yesterday. A gleeful President Bush inked a deal on a ten year mortgage that offered the lowest lending rate - just over four points.

President and Laura Bush purchased the White House from Bill and Hillary Clinton in 2000 for a reported 191 million dollars. While the President is rumored to have gotten a more favorable interest rate than was being offered at the time, experts estimate the Bush's were making monthly payments of approximately $1,910,000.00 on their thirty year loan, or $1000 for every $100,000 financed.

With a new ten year mortgage at a lower lending rate, the Bush's monthly payment will increase by only about $300,000 but the Bush's will own the White House outright approximately 5 years after President Bush leaves office.

A President of The United States earns about $400,000 yearly but makes up the difference with frequent trip per diems, speech honoraria and White House tours.

The burgeoning Right Wing Outrage Industry burgeoned again when 9th Grader Stanley Twooey announced plans to roll out a Blog taking on Big Government, Tax And Spend Liberals and "freaks who want to have sex with little kids." Mr. Twooey said the recent story about Big Government shutting down a child's lemonade stand was what drove him to enter this sector of the Outrage market. Mr. Twooey said his first big story will be about "that nudey teen camp" but he is still trying to find pictures to run with his story.

The Right Wing Outrage Industry, founded during the Carter Presidency, was largely a monopoly controlled by radio commentator Paul Harvey. In the mid-80's, California rock disc jockey Jeff Christie created a W.C. Fields-Meets-Richard Nixon-like right-wing radio personality called "Rush Limbaugh" that singled out self-proclaimed liberals for derision and denigration. The radio act struck a chord with disaffected fat white conservatives who were left behind during the social progress of America's black and Hispanic underclasses. Jeff Christie took his radio show nationwide in 1987. Since then, Right Wing Outrage has seen double-digit growth every year.

While millions of Americans continue to lose their jobs to a failing economy and cheap labor overseas, Right Wing Outrage grows even bigger. Recent expansions include former Republican congressman Joe Scarborough's new MSNBC television show, conservative radio personality Michael Savage's new MSNBC television show and Fox News Corp Bill O'Reilly's new nationwide radio program.

The nation's second oldest university, the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia has agreed to change their name. William and Mary has faced growing criticism that the name is offensive, and an "in your face" reminder of Western colonialism. In recent years, they have been under a lot of pressure to change the name in the face of growing political correctness. The university, which bears the name of the husband and wife founders King William III and Queen Mary II of England, was founded in 1693 and was the second college in the American colonies. Proponents of the change say that bearing the name of two English royals who sponsored colonialism is offensive to some.

"English colonialism is morally offensive," claims Donna Colgan, leader of the "Change the Name" movement to change the name. "It brought slavery to North America. It brought with it the persecution of the indigenous Native American people." Colgan went on to say that colonialism "was the cornerstone of British imperialism and conquest, under which so many have suffered."

Although the pressure to change the name started quite a few years ago, it picked up steam when the William and Mary women's basketball team made it to the "Sweet 16" in the NCAA tournament this year. Proponents from "Change the Name" used the bright lights of the basketball tournament as a backdrop for their protests. It ultimately helped to advance their cause.

There still hasn't been any decision made on what the new name will be, but some are pushing for "Virginia W&M". They say that the "W&M" will be a subtle reminder of who founded the college, which could help bridge the gap between proponents and opponents of the name change. The University hasn't ruled out corporate sponsorships. Virginia is home to big corporations such as AOL and Norfolk Southern who may be interested in naming rights.

Some students say that the problem is that all of the good 'Virginia' names are taken, with the existence of Virginia Tech, Virginia Commonwealth, and the University of Virginia. "Virginia is technically a Commonwealth, so calling it Virginia State would just sound stupid," said William and Mary student Arthur Vandelay, who is majoring in Architecture. Apparently Mr. Vandelay had never heard of Virginia State University, just down the road in Petersburg.

Ironically, the movement to change the name of the university has completely eclipsed a similar movement to change the William and Mary mascot. Some say that the current mascot, "The Tribe" is offensive to Native American-Americans. The logo even has two 'Indian' feathers. Proponents of the "Change the Mascot" movement are hoping that they can capitalize on the University's willingness to change their name.

Those favoring the name change feel that this will help make up for 300 years of oppression and the stealing of Native American lands.