Drunkenness rating: 8 beers for me vs. 1 gallon grain punch for Jen.

In college, every year, my neighbors Damon and Sean had a Halloween party. Typical refreshments included a keg of Beast, some grain punch¹, and jello shots².

I manufactured my own costume out of empty Budweiser cartons which seemed to be collecting in the corner by the trash can. (They must have been my roommates, honest!) The costume looked silly at best, and was kind of bulky, but it was cheap, and that is what counted in college. After about an hour, I had taken most of it off, and thrown it away. Still, it provided me an answer to that too common question, "Where is your costume?". I could just point to the heap in the corner and say "There it is."

Now, I was typically a beer drinker, so drinking grain punch didn't sound the least bit appealing. Even when I did drink liquor, I didn't usually like to taste the actual alcohol that much. I preferred a tasteless liquor that mixes pretty well, like vodka, or the sugary goodness of a spiced rum. Basically, I stayed away from the grain punch concoction and stuck to beer and jello shots.

My friend Jennifer however was hitting the punch pretty hard, and it wasn't long before she was pretty out of it. Her roommate Marnette was there, and she was doing a pretty good job of baby-sitting her. I checked back with Jen, and she was sitting in a chair out on the balcony. I think she was praying, because her head was between her knees and I could hear her mumbling. Still, she seemed to be ok, so I started mingling some more.

About 20 minutes later, Sean came up to me and told me that Jen had to go. She had been vomiting over the balcony railing, which really seemed to bother the people standing out there smoking, not to mention anyone walking down below. As I was talking to Sean, I saw Damon carry her out the front door. He had her bent over his shoulder in a fireman's carry and was clearly not very happy. She looked like a rag doll, with her long hair hanging down over hear face.

I followed them out the front door, but I was quite a few steps behind them. I passed Damon in the stairwell, as he was headed back up to his apartment. He didn't say anything, but I could tell he was agitated. He had set her down out front, just off the sidewalk. She was curled up in an undignified fetal position, with her butt sticking up in the air, cuddling a small bush. I think it was an azalea, but it could have been a rhododendron.

I cannot remember exactly what she was supposed to be dressed as, but 'hooker' seems to fit my recollection. Whatever the outfit, her skirt was very short, which now presented a problem, as she lay there for all the world to see. Marnette and my roommate Denny came down from the party, and we stood there trying to figure out what to do with her. Marnette was emphatic that we couldn't just leave her there, while Denny seemed to think the bush looked rather comfortable.

After a few minutes, we decided it was best to take her home. She had had enough partying for one night. I scooped her up into my arms, and she let out a moan. I told her if she threw up on me, she was going back onto the bush.

Carrying 120 pounds of dead weight is not very easy. Carrying 120 pounds of dead weight dressed in vinyl is pretty damn difficult. It didn't help that I wasn't exactly sober, and she wasn't exactly holding on. As I started across the apartment complex toward her place, I could feel her slipping out of my arms. I didn't want to throw her over my shoulder, because I knew she'd never make the journey. I was only a moment away from dropping her.

Hoping that she was still somewhat conscious, I asked her to hold on tight. She must have heard me, because she managed to squeeze me tighter. With most of her weight transferred from my arms to my back, we were home free. I could have carried her all night, if only she'd hang on. After getting her home safe, and putting her into bed, I hung out in the living room while Marnette took care of tucking her in. After she was asleep, we headed back over to the Halloween party to dance the night away.

¹'Grain' being 190 proof alcohol, and 'punch' being fruit.
²Jello shots are liquor and jello. My mother never made me jello when I was a kid. Honestly, the first time I had it was in college, and I had no idea it was actually a treat for kids. I went to the supermarket once and was appalled to find it in with the pudding and kiddie treats. Also, the instructions don't say anything about how much vodka to add to the jello. I called the help line once and they refused to help me. Finally, one of my roommates clued me in that jello was a kiddie treat that drunkards and college students had perverted for their own alcoholic gratification.