by Bigwig of Silflay Hraka
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war
whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is
conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently
creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious
only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get
invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King
William's War/French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in
a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the
height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first
taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America
does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy
to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the
Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss
marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since
the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can
always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.