First of all, I didn't write this. I stole it from two different but similar email forwards. This "joke" guide to Atlanta has been around for years, but sadly, most of it is very very true.
For those who live there...and those that are glad they don't..... A guide to Atlanta, Georgia (pronunciation is: A-lan-uh, JORjah).
Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House..." Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken..."
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Ave., Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, Old Peachtree, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal at a stop light, to change lanes, or to merge. Never.
Atlanta is home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for any other soft drink ... unless it's made by Coca Cola. And even then, it's still "Coke."
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.
Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out. If you stick a body part in the door to reopen it, you can pick up that body part at the Concourse.
It's impossible to go around a block and windup on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic route" and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost ... they're just on a "scenic drive."
Do not plan to visit Atlanta during Freaknik. Even if you make it off the freeway into the city, you won't be able to go anywhere and may not make it out alive.
Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody ... especially those of us who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on collision.
Outside of the perimeter "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. In the suburbs "Sugar" is a more common form of address and means the same as "Miss." So is "Darling" "Honey" and "Sweetpea" are always used by Waffle House waitresses regardless of your gender or persuasion.
Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawns duh lee on") If you live within a mile of it, it's just "Ponce."
The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" T-shirts.
If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.
It is always Smog Alert Day.
Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number one in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively tailgate discussions.
The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 7:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m. Saturday.
Atlantans are very proud of the race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstate, hence its name.
Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."
Georgia route 400 is the southern equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon, or a tennis match, to meet their children at the school bus, or coming home from the college prep preschool.
The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range, but you have to have an act of congress to cut a tree. All roads, vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies you will die.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy, and your AK-47 has a full clip.
Atlanta people think that the finger has something to do with perverted sex, the civil war, their mother, their heritage, the state flag, and the second amendment. Never point, or pick your nose with that finger especially in Kennesaw, which is in Cobb County, as they have a law requiring citizens to carry a gun.