by Lope
Norfolk is actually one of seven major cities and four counties in coastal Virginia: Norfolk, Portsmouth, Chesapeake, Virginia Beach, Suffolk, Hampton, Newport News, Mathews County, James City County, York County and Isle of Wight County. The area is bordered by three bodies of water and one state. The bodies of water are the Atlantic Ocean on the southeast, the Chesapeake Bay on the northeast and Franklin on the west. The southern border is the state of North Carolina.
The area is usually referred to as simply Norfolk because no one outside of the area knows the names of the other cities and most people in the area work in Norfolk. Other names used to label the area are "Hampton Roads", "Greater Hampton Roads" and "Tidewater." "Tidewater" is generally disregarded because it infers the coastal and inland waters affected by tide changes and includes regions west of the area all the way to Richmond. "Hampton Roads" is another maritime term referring to waterways and navigation and only people who live in Hampton think its a cool name. No one knows what "Greater Hampton Roads" means except the Chamber of Commerce and they aren't telling.
For the purposes of this document, we will refer to the area as "Norfolk" - pronounced exactly that way by Northerners who settle here. Southerners who settle here pronounce it "Nawfalk", sailors pronounce it "Nofuck" and everyone else calls it "Norfick". The word "Norfolk" actually originated in Southern England, gradually over time as a combination of the words "North" and "Folk", their way of referring to their brethren to the north, very much like our own term "Goddamnyankees."
Norfolk is composed entirely of Roads Under Construction. The year-round seasonal weather allows for year-round construction. The only way to get into downtown is to move there. Don't worry about getting out. Those arrangements will be made by your next of kin.
All directions start with "Get on 64.." and include the phrase "Turn at the 7-Eleven."
Most people navigate the area using Interstate 64 because of oddball location naming. The immediate problem here is that to access western portions of the area, you have to travel I-64 East. I-64, the largest interstate in the state, has two exits that serve Virginia Beach, the largest city in Virginia. The land mass of the beach area is approximately 1% of the city's total land area. The city of Portsmouth is not at the port's mouth - that would be Norfolk. The city of Chesapeake is named for the Chesapeake Bay, 15 miles away. Newport News is not a newspaper. The city is, in fact, served by The Daily Press newspaper, based in Hampton. South Norfolk is in Chesapeake and "Suffolk", an old English combination of 'South" and "Folk" is not south of Norfolk, rather west.
Hampton Boulevard is in Norfolk and does not go to Hampton. Northampton Boulevard is not in the north of Hampton. It is 22 miles southeast of Hampton, in Virginia Beach. Chesapeake Boulevard runs parallel to Hampton Boulevard and does not go to Chesapeake. Virginia Beach Boulevard starts in Norfolk and only becomes a boulevard when you reach Virginia Beach. Portsmouth Boulevard is in Chesapeake. There is no Norfolk Boulevard but there is a Norfolk Avenue in Virginia Beach. It does not go to Norfolk.
Atlantic Avenue parallels the Atlantic Ocean. Strangely, so does Pacific Avenue. Chesapeake Beach, nicknamed "Chick's Beach", is in Virginia Beach. Chicks do not go there. Meanwhile, Ocean View Avenue has no view of the ocean unless you use a high-powered telescope and a crane. Bayview is too far from the Bay to see it and Riverview has no view of any rivers. Shore Drive has no shore but runs along beside miles and miles of military bases. Military Highway, an apt name for the main thoroughfare of a primarily military area, will not actually take you to any military bases. Ironically, Independence Boulevard ends at one.
The Northwest River is actually in the Southeastern part of the area. Deep Creek contains no deep creeks. Great Bridge is an affluent area accessed by crossing a tiny drawbridge. London Bridge Road has no connection to London and has no bridges. It is, however, falling apart. The area of Damneck contains no dams. Oceana Boulevard does not come near the ocean.
Norfolk Naval Shipyard is in Portsmouth. One of the largest Coast Guard bases on the east coast is in Portsmouth, 21 miles from the coast. Hilltop, a mildly affluent shopping area, is not on a hill or near a hill. There are no cars at the Chrysler Museum. Scope is not a mouthwash - its a convention center in Norfolk.
Sometime, just for fun, stop and ask a local for directions to "downtown Virginia Beach." Chances are, you will be sent to Norfolk. Virginia Beach has no downtown. They claim to but it is in fact a shopping district with five squat brown office buildings. And no hotels.
No one carpools here, allowing the HOV-reversible lanes to be used by skateboarders during rush hours. All the tollbooths were taken down a few years ago, creating one less place for traffic accidents to occur.
Everyone in the country lived here once or knew someone who did. You will be hard pressed to find a native of the area. Everyone here is from somewhere else, due mostly to the fact that Norfolk contains the largest naval base in the world. When you curse the drivers here for not being able to drive, you are cursing the drivers of the whole country. This, combined with the pervasive and ongoing road construction creates an incredible number of traffic accidents every day.
Norfolk has one of the most beautiful airports in the world. It is smack-dab in the middle of Norfolk Botanical Gardens, put here presumably so world-travelers would not be confronted with the ugly city that is Norfolk as soon as they stepped off the plane.
Chesapeake has the Great Dismal Swamp through which runs the intra-coastal waterway. Surrounding this area are miles and miles of virgin forest just begging to be mowed down by developers for housing tracts. Imagine being able to watch black bears romping with your kids in the yard while sipping Ice Tea on the veranda.
The weather here is very similar to the weather of the area you are from. Tomorrow it will be very similar to the weather of the area someone else is from. If you don't like the weather, take a nap. When you wake up, it will be different. Hurricanes are a major threat here six months of the year, although we haven't had a major hurricane strike in 300 years. The last big hurricane created most of what we now call Ocean View. There are no departments here to handle the effects of a hurricane should one occur. We like to tell ourselves that hurricanes bring land and jobs.
There are no major sports franchises here. The general rule of thumb is that if a sports franchise express interest in our area, they are on the verge of folding. We used to have an ABA franchise.. well, you know the rule.
Suffolk is the Peanut Capital of the World. It is where Mr. Peanut came to life.
In Isle of Wight county, Miles E. Standish xth actually holds elected office.
Newport News has the largest shipbuilding facility in the world. In fact, if it were its own city, it would be among the Top 10 largest cities in the state.
Not satisfied with having all the great beaches and scantily-clad beach-goers, Virginia Beach is also home to Pat Robertson. Strangely, Pat Robertson maintains a very low profile here. You can see the CBN and Regent University buildings from the interstate but no one knows where Pat Robertson lives or where he dines. He has little or nothing to do with local politics. Apparently, the old phrase of "You don't shit in your own backyard" also holds true for renowned religious figures. In fact, if you don't have cable TV, you don't get to watch the 700 club unless you drive over there.
Jim & Tammy Faye Baker started their careers in Portsmouth hosting a children's show on a local television station. Presumably, that was when it was still safe to be white and wear jewelry in Portsmouth. If you go there now, you're just asking to be shot.. or shot-up. A while back they had a Clean Up Portsmouth program, where they spent a weekend erasing all the chalk outlines, tearing down yellow police tape and picking up syringes.
For most of us, the cities have their individual roles. We work in Norfolk, party in Virginia Beach, buy drugs in Portsmouth and weapons in Isle of Wight county, dump our dead bodies in Chesapeake and hide from the law in Newport News. We used to go see dirty movies in Hampton, until they banned them. Now, the only reason people go to Hampton is for the Jazz Festival.
A lot of people like to say our area is like New York City, with none of the good stuff and all of the bad stuff. We know differently. Each city here has something special about it. Norfolk has naval bases, Virginia Beach has beaches, Hampton has industry, Newport News has shipbuilding, Portsmouth has ship repair, Chesapeake has nature, Suffolk and Isle of Wight have agriculture and the other counties are steeped in history, offering colonial Williamsburg, Jamestown and Yorktown.
So the next time someone asks you what is so great about Norfolk, tell them! Just don't tell them where we dump the dead bodies.